Smoker's Remorse

The day finally came! My worst nightmare. My husband starting smoking again! I don't mind. I'm not a hater. I've seen a lot of people die get cancer, and being wheeled around in a chair with an oxygen tank in their nose along with a cig in their mouth. When I think of Jake smoking, i picture him in those chairs, with the cig in his mouth, and my heart breaking! All in all i'm scared for him, i don't want anything happening to him. He is my true love, my soul mate. And the way i am, the way i think, i will seriously worry every single day until we died that he's going to come home from the DR's and tell me he has cancer, and they can't help him. I want him to be around for my son. Maybe i'm being a little over worrisome. BUT why put your self in harms way?! Especially when you have a beautiful wife, and such an amazing son who adores you?! Why would you put yourself in harms way!! Not saying that if you some your getting cancer and you will die. Those are MY experiences and those are the memories Ill never forget. Those will die with me. And i dont want to add my husband to those memories. Not to mention, my dad, my mom, my uncles, my aunts, my younger brother, pretty much all smoke!! And everytime they do, it breaks my heart, cause i dont want anything happening to them, I love them so much! And its so hard to watch them smoke these little cancer sticks. Yes, I said it, CANCER sticks! Anyways, i hope this is just temporary and he's not going to make this a life long habit! It will break my heart. Again i dont look down on people who smoke, i don't hate smokers. I just think MY hubby shouldnt smoke!

Amanda Vavra `s personal website

Amanda Vavra `s personal website

Highschool Drama.

Today, I've gotten in touch with some old friends. Not that it's a bad thing. But I don't understand back in the day how they we're so quick to stop talking to me. It's not like we went to different schools or moved away. We just stopped talking, said harsh words, and now 7 years later, it all is said and done, and we can talk again?! I missed them terribly. They were my best friends in the whole world. When we stopped being friends it was the hardest thing to take. I loved these girls. And it hurt to know i was so disposable to them. And again i think it was from then on, where I stopped trusting girls fully. It feels good to know that the past is the past, and we can move on from the stupid highschool he said she said. But don't get my wrong it hurts to see all my best friends in pictures together and know they all abandoned me because why?! still to this day i have no idea. And maybe one day i will figure that out. But then i don't. I'm glad we can let our disagreements from when we were 16 go, and move on from here on out. Hopefully I can continue to get close and find out how their lifes have been since our departure. All said and done, Highschool was the worst time of my life and I'm glad that I never have to go back!!

Goals for 2010.

What are my goals? Good questions. I've tried to sit here and think about what my goals are and what my New Year Resolutions will be. And couldn't find any that pleased me. The reason being is if i set my self up goals, and can't achieve them I don't want to let myself down! Things i would love to have accomplished is be enrolled in a school that totally fits my needs and expectations in a school that i know would best suit my career goals. i just dont want to enrolled in a school because it's easy and short. I wanna love my job. I need to start exploring my dreams and what I can see myself doing for a living.

I would love to be more positive. I do admit, i'm generally 70% positive on pretty much anything that is thrown my way. But with this upcoming deployment, and am beginning to see my Optimistc point of view disappearing. I don't know what to expect. ANd i hope when the time comes i can find a way to be positive about the journey.

Also, to be a better wife and mother. I know I kick ass in those fields already BUT theres always room for improvment. If i come up with more goals or accomplishments i will post them. but as for now, i'm content on these few goals. And i know i will acheive them!!